The Leaf Post
by hataketune
Summary: Various news stories from around Konoha. Warning: You can't un-read something.


**Restaurant a madhouse?**

A local eating establishment, Big Ben's Buffet, is in the spot light after a they incurred damage, an estimated at 86,000 dollars, due to a drunk costumer. Witnesses described the seen as a horrifying show of power, "H-he destroyed everything. He just wouldn't stop." She then started shaking uncontrollably and was taken by medics to the nearby hospital. The suspect, local ninja Lee Gilligan, is still on the run. His teammate, Neji Hyuuga had this to say. "Next time were getting takeout." it is unknown if lee Gilligan has had past tendency towards violence, but the ANBU representative had his suspicions. "There was so much anger in the way the tables were smashed; we are looking for a very dangerous and unstable man." Lee is described as black-haired young man with bowl cut styled hair; he was last seen in a green full body spandex suit. Only two black people were killed in the incident, once again lowering the Leaf's black population to zero.

**Tora the cat has kittens!**

Our beloved Daimyo's wife's cat, Tora, is having a litter of kittens. The well-known cat has been a topic of conversations all over leaf. "I'm sorry," said Sandaime-sama in a brief meeting with Leaf Post. "I didn't mean for this to happen." He went on his knees and prayed in what this reporter assumed was joy. Tora could not be caught for comment.

**Uchiha Missing!**

In an astoundingly stupid move Sasuke Uchiha, the last Uchiha, left the village to go to Orochimaru, a missing Nin of leaf. As of recent, Uchiha has exhibited growing hated for reason and logic. The Hokage, in response to the unrest, has issued a statement. "mmff pff duhs." it is not known what the inebriated Hokage meant, but it was assumed she was planning to make him a missing Nin. The experiments Orochimaru has planned for the young Uchiha can only be speculated on, but as orochimaru is known as a convicted sex offender, we assume they will scar the Uchiha further.

**Icha Icha canceled?**

In a huge blow to perverts everywhere, Jiraiya of the Sannin has decided to not continue writing his hit series, Icha Icha. "I'm getting old," he said, in a conference with the publisher. "If I'm not careful, I could end up in hell." response to the cancellation has been met with outrage. "Men," Kakashi Hatake said, standing before a crowd of outrage fans. "We attack at midnight." the gathered perverts roared in unison, shaking the ground around them. They then marched towards the leaf armory, singing inspiring and perverted songs. Soon these perverts would be armed. This reporter did not follow.

**A child Kage?**

In a shocking move, sand has appointed a new Kazekage, one Subaku no Gaara. Gaara, a 13 year old child, was appointed as Kazekage after it was found that every other ninja in wind country was weaker than this child, " I don't know what to say, " said sand representative Yoshiro Kananaka in a public statement. "I myself am embarrassed." The new Kazekage is well known as a murdering psychopath that kills all in his way. This maybe the reason why he was elected to the position despite being so young. "I am the lord of sand," He said, floating above the heads of horrified onlookers. " You will bow to my will." It was then that every piece of sand in the desert rose up and brutally slaughtered all dissenters. " My god," one witness said. "I will never forget this day, all that blood."

**Hyuuga Arrested!**

Hinata Hyuuga was arrested in connection with a break-in in a apartment complex in the red-light district last Friday. ANBU confiscated several pairs of underwear, pillow cases stained with drool, a tooth-brush, ten pairs of socks, old bandages, a shoe, a old half eaten power bar, a plate, a fistful of blonde hair, a zip lock bag full of toenail clippings, a few empty cup of instant ramen, and pictures of the victim in various states of undress. It was later found out that she had been a longtime stalker of the victim. "She was so nice" a passing old woman commented. "a shame she turned out to be a deranged perverted stalker." Her bail has been set at 100,000$. Her trial is scheduled for next week where she face charges ranging from sexual harassment to breaking and entering. The victim wishes to remain unnamed.

**Is every single person in the world (**and other worlds**) Whores/gay/rapist? Gay whore rapist? **

Rumors have been circulating that every ninja/person ever has been a poofster. At the heart of these rumors are Naruto Uzumaki and Sakura Haruno. They have both reportedly traversed time and space to participate in indecent acts with pretty much anyone you can name. Repeatedly. These two are the very definition of deviants of the highest caliber if these rumors turn out to be true. They both have been reported fornicating with, despite being only 14 years of age, robots, shinigami, seven inanimate objects (toasters.), aliens, witches, wizards, detectives, pirates, ghost, foxes, demons, mass murderers, pokemon, zombies, all five Hokage's, saiyans, all five Kazekages, , three Mizukages, and God himself. The list of reported sex acts goes on, but there is not enough words to describe the sickness this reporter feels. The two could not be reach for comment because of their sudden disappearance into a bright light that engulfed Leafs skyline followed by a loud "giggity.".

**Spandex festival in town. Is this the end of leaf?**

Everyone, I'm afraid this may be the last leaf post post that we post on The Leaf Post. It has come to our attention that currently, as you already probably know (If you don't then your obviously unprepared and will be the first ones to go), the feared spandex extravaganza has taken control of the village. Many of you have heard about the about the Bloody Spandex Extravaganza Supreme O Mundo Wars, that ravaged the land of stone. So many confirmed dead of the same fatal condition, suicide. Most of the leaf civilian population have taken refuge in the catacombs under the village, but the outlook looks bleak. How many more will fall to their deaths? Slit there own throats? Relieve themselves of their very eyes? Only time will tell. Only time will tell. Ladies and gentleman, at times like this that we take the to pray, pray for a village, pray for the our fallen comrades, pray our defenses hold. At times like this we should take the time to curse as well, curse the ninja that have cowardly fled, curse our weak defenses. And most of all curse the God that has forsaken our very souls!

**Helpless child beating group meeting to be held.**

Many of leafs citizens are rallying in happiness at the coming meeting that will decide how we torture and abuse the demon brat. Because, why not? We will beat this child in the most brutal way possible, and only then will we kill this four year old for all the deaths he caused the day he was born. A logical and reasonable person would ask why we would do this. Luckily, those kind of people don't exist(except for those stupid, idiotic children, parents I urge you to correct this). The meeting will be held at the expo center at nine o'clock. The beating itself is expected to last for several hours with the best part coming towards the end, when the Hokage is expected to show up and slaughter everyone involved. This, hopefully, shall not deter any future beatings.

**Love at first sight**

Today Naruto Namikaze, the son of the fourth Hokage, returned to the village. Instantly every woman fell in love with him. He is expected to marry every woman that so much as glances at him in the name of reviving his clan. He will then call Sasuke 'Sasugay'(clever!) for not getting a piece of that tang. He will then make fun of him for watching his entire family die. This will send Sasuke into a rage and he will attack young Naruto, but will only get his ass beat. This will undoubtedly cause everyone to hate him because he attacked Naruto first. Naruto will then threaten to kill him if he ever attacks him again. Everyone will agree with this, because who cares about morality? Certainly not me.

**Nothing Interesting.**

Another boring day in the world of reality. Nothing happened today. Sometimes I wish the world had ninjas or something as fantastical as that. But no, there exist nothing of any note at all. Oh, wait there was something! High school! Yes this what you have been waiting for people. Now you get to read about school! Yes! Today Shikamaru Nara got together with Ino Yanamaka! Stop! This is too exciting! I'm going into cardiac arrest! Ahh! (Dies. Because high school is so damned fun.)

**Lazy unknown predicted to not help at all.**

A mysterious stranger appeared last month offering to train our resident jinchuriki. Despite no one ever having heard of him, he is stronger than the Hokage. He will not, under any circumstances, help anyone. He will then ,once the training is completed of course, disappear never to be seen again, no matter what kind of peril the world is in he will not help. "I will not be doing any real fighting at all. None." Clarified the mysterious, yet handsome, stranger.

**You can do it. Just stay positive. Positive. Okay, here I go…**

Last week an astonishing number of males became pregnant. It was… a very astonishing amount. Staggering amount. I… have lost faith in god. I'm also scared. Where do the babies come out? Is this mentioned in the bible? Does god make men have babies? Tell me! Sorry for the aggressive typing. I just… I… what do I do? This… this is madness! I don't even understand how I can go on living. Should I end it. Hell is better than this. Yes, I think it is.

**Root: A press release.**

For the last few nights you may have heard the feral screams of {Retracted}. {Retracted} escaped {Retracted} after an incident involving nuclear powered {retracted}. {Retracted} can not be {Retracted} by any weapon known to man. {Retracted}'s bite will result in infestation by {Retracted} larvae, liquefied {Retracted}, If spotted call 1-800-(Retracted).

**Suspicious letters the author of this fic received while making this fic. They arrived with instructions-Post on fanficdotnet or die. This left me with very few options. `**

**-Dear people who incorporate modern songs into their fics,**

**Hey, you know What? Naruto should fuckin' sing. Sing his fuckin heart out! Sing! Fuckin sing, Naruto! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I love to read an entire chapter of you fuckin' singing! **

**-Fuck you, You will die.**

**-Signed, The Dark Lord Voldemort.**

**-To Bad people **

**Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Fuck you, you dirty bastards. I read a story about the characters going to a club. A club! Who the fuck do you people think you are? What's the matter, ninjas not cool enough? Have to go to the club instead of using ninja magic. Fuck you. I have to have people believe in me to use my magic. **

**Your on my lesser known list. The Hit List**

**-Merry Christmas assholes.**

**-Kris Kringle**

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End file.
